Welcome to my mind

I created this blog so I can have a place to vomit all my random thoughts in relation to how the pickup artistry is affecting my life.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Lessons from a happy relationship

I've been fairly inactive in the pickup community these past few months because I've been involved in a relationship that evolved into a serious, exclusive relationship full of passion and commitment from what started off as just a simple open relationship. This has been, so far, the most serious LTR I've ever been in, and I'm learning a lot of things that I never learned as a pickup artist who had more temporary relations with multiple women.

As I learned and practiced pickup artistry over the course of nearly a decade, I have eventually discovered that most of what works best in seduction can be boiled down to a number of key concepts. These concepts include, but are not limited to: honesty, sincerity, a true lack of insecurity (aka confidence developed from seriously resolving your internal issues instead of just "faking it til you make it"), and clear communication. I feel as if these good lessons I learned as a seducer prepared me for this LTR because, as fate would have it, all of those qualities I have listed above seem to make up the core foundation of a healthy, loving relationship.

I see a lot of guys struggling in their relationships with their girlfriends because they lack one or more of those qualities in either themselves or within their relationship(s). I see questions posted like "What if your girlfriend notices that there is something wrong with you?" and I really don't understand why they can't just have a frank discussion about whatever concerns come up between the two of them. I see other guys giving advice like "If your girlfriend did ___, then you should flirt with other women to make her jealous," and I really don't understand why they're playing those power games when relationships shouldn't be about power. I understand that women get equally shitty advice from their girly magazines and unenlightened girl friends, but the overall lack of honesty and open communication in so many relationships I see is astounding. And horrifying. Honestly, I would expect more from a group of men who studied pickup. I would expect them to have overcome many of their insecurities, but they are still letting their insecurities guide their thoughts and decisions.

I learned from Buddhism that relationships should be about "we," like a coming together of two minds into one, rather than about "I" or "me" and "he/she" or "him/her."

To strive toward the goal of "we," I began my current relationship with a very simple idea, and that idea was to have complete open and honest communication with my girlfriend. Initially, it was a bit of a struggle to get to that point as we both had some insecurities to work out in order to feel comfortable with the idea of telling each other everything. Fortunately, though, neither of us had any serious fucked up issues that prevented us from eventually getting to that point. Most people don't.

What bloomed from the seed of that simple idea turned out to become the backbone of an inevitably strong relationship. It's rather obvious, really. The clearer and more frequent the communication between two people, the more "right" everything in their relationship becomes. Some people fear that revealing all of the cards in your hand will result in some sort of loss like in a poker game. However, a healthy relationship shouldn't be a game of boyfriend versus girlfriend, right? I say that better communication leads to a more "right" relationship because, first of all, it would naturally aid in conflict resolution and, second of all, it would bring to light the potential conflicts that will otherwise become a slowly damaging poison to the relationship if left as the ignored elephant in the room. Open and honest communication will bring to light those conflicts both solvable and potentially unsolvable, giving both partners a better point of assessment on which to base their individual and collective decisions.

Most of the problems that I've seen in unhappy relationships seem to stem from a lack of communication, whether it's a failure of communicating and managing expectations or an insecurity creating a fear of communicating something. This is why I believe that good communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, as it has so far proven to me to be almost a magic bullet that can shoot down practically any obstacle that stands between you and your partner, provided that both you and your partner are mature enough to know how to really listen to one another.

With all of that said, why do some people "stonewall" their partners by closing the doors of communication whenever problems arise? The truth is, a lot of people don't recognize that having the short term comfort of avoiding conflict is not worth the price of the long term damage it can do. Some people are too insecure to reveal their true selves and their true desires. Some people haven't developed the necessary listening skills to know how to use communication in a highly beneficial way. And then there are some people who don't know how to feel inspired enough to break through their own stubborn comfort zones for the sake of having healthy relationships with their loved ones. Whatever the case is, in the end none of us should make excuses. The benefits of having great communication with your partner are too great to not take advantage of.

My girlfriend and I see pretty eye-to-eye and we now tend to "stay on the same page" with each other, but she also thinks that this is a matter of luck, and in a way she's right. If you don't meet someone with a communication style that matches yours, an attempt at having completely open and honest communication could end up in a series of never-ending fights. However, having great communication also entails great listening skills, patience, and putting your ego aside. These are all skills that can be developed, and so I believe it doesn't have to be a matter of luck, at least not as much as most people would imagine.

Having such a great relationship so far has given me a lot of perspective on what's really important, and I'm nothing but excited to learn more. It has given me the chance to be very optimistic about my girlfriend and I enriching each other's lives, and to continue enriching each other's lives for a potentially long time to come. For all of you reading this, may you have happy relationships with great communication, and I hope you all reap the same benefits I have had so far.