Obsession.

They say that the Tarot cards can tell you things about yourself. Of course, a lot of the fortune telling aspects of Tarot that attempt to predict the future are hocus pocus bullshit with little or no scientific validity. Nonetheless, each card in the deck is designed to speak to a universal archetype that anyone can relate to.

There are a lot of customized decks out there that deviate from the classic Roar-Waite style in one way or another. The particular deck I have replaced the Devil card with one titled "Obsession," depicting a S&M-like scene with a nude blindfolded woman tied down to pentagram on the wall. When I first looked through my cards, I found myself most drawn to this card in particular. Was this simply because of my Dom/sub fetish, or was there something more to this?

I saw the movie, "The Prestige" for the second time today. The first time I saw it, which was when it was first released in theaters, I didn't think of it like I'm thinking of it now. That movie's all about obsession. For those of you who haven't seen it, go watch it. It's an excellent movie.

In The Prestige, there are two rival show magicians who are constantly trying to be more successful than the other. They are constantly trying to prove themselves as the "better" magician by messing up each other's shows, stealing each other's tricks, etc. A huge theme than ran along with the theme of obsession was the idea of sacrifice. Each of the two magicians had to sacrifice a lot for their art. One of them lived his entire life in a lie and the other even ended up killing himself about 100 times (watch the movie). They each gave up a part of their humanity for obsession.

While watching The Prestige today, I couldn't help but to relate to one of these guys very strongly. I looked back at my life these past six or seven months, back from when a very dramatic rivalry sparked between me and one of my former pickup students. He was literally the best student I had, yielding more results than I, and then he stabbed me in the back. "Spin." What an appropriate PUA name he chose for himself. I removed him from my inner circle.

For many months after that shit show in October of 2007, I fell into obsession and literally thought of nothing but becoming better than him. It made me push myself in some good ways, but slowly I was chipping away at my psyche and at my humanity. It forced me to challenge and even disown some morals I had previously held. It made me start smoking. It made me criticize myself in ways that hindered me rather than drive me forward. It brought me to the study of NLP, something we in my inner circle regarded as the "dark side" of pickup. Of course, I see NLP and Speed Seduction in a more positive light nowadays, but nonetheless the motivation I was driven by to this discipline wasn't noble.

And, on top of this obsessive path of self-destruction I've taken, I bear the burden of guilt. Guilt for having created a monster. This guy doesn't exactly have the best intentions, and I was blind to his negatives, despite the endless warnings from my peers.

I don't know where I'm at with this whole obsessive rivalry ordeal right now. Of course, I've cut off communication with him, so I don't really know what to compare myself to, so I've certainly calmed down a bit. However, how would I react if I saw what his current standing was in pickup? And, would I still have the goal of becoming a mPUA if he didn't exist? I either don't know or I'm afraid to let myself know.

If it weren't for the wise words of the gurus like David Deangelo ("Compare your progress and success only to yourself") that I at least claim to vehemently apply to my life, I would have let this whole obsession thing spiral my life down to a complete catastrophe. However, I cannot proudly say for certain that I have lived congruently with these excellent Inner Game values. I must concede that, as a mortal human being, I am not perfect. In fact I am far from perfect. I must become better. At least better than him. No, wait, I mean "better than where I'm at now."

Sigh.

-Chief