Ask Chief: Sexual Framing

Every now and then I get a really good question from a user on MPUAForum.com and I try to answer them to the best of my ability. I'd like to start sharing these questions and answers with you here! Here's a question about sexual framing. "Jimbob30" asks:

So basically, I open direct. Day game BTW. Something along the lines of "Hey how you doin. Wow, you have some beautiful eyes! They're not contacts are they?"

What do I say after that to frame the convo sexually? I know I can throw in the Strawberry fields & misinterpretation further into the convo, but what do I say before then?

The creative possibilities are endless.

When I was trying to get used to sexual framing back in the day, someone gave me some valuable advice: put your mind in the gutter.

I don't know where you're from but "Get your mind out of the gutter" is a common American saying that means "stop thinking like a sexual animal."

If you start trying to think of everything in a perverted way, you'll eventually get very skilled at putting a sexual spin on everything that cums your way, which is essentially sexual framing.

Like most guys, you're probably not used to doing this. Society conditions us to associate shame with our sexual thoughts. As a result, most guys suppress these thoughts; no one wants to be the bad guy! The way I see it, though, shame is the bigger sin here.

So, what words should you say? Once you get used to thinking sexually, you'll master sexual framing. Memorizing lines is not the answer. It misses the point of the art entirely. Penis.

A New Direction

I've come to realize something about myself.

I am not a sex addict. Not even close.

I've taken the past few days to take a break from girls and dating and pickup in order to give myself a chance to do some self-reflection.

In all my years of doing this whole pickup artist thing, there have certainly been times where I used girls for sex just to feel good, and they've used me the same ways and for the same reasons, too. I don't like that shit; I guess I never have liked that. The Buddha teaches to not use people, and for good reason. Humans should be treated like humans.

There have also been times where girls and I felt a genuine connection, and we used sex as an expression of what we felt for each other. This is good. I like that shit. I didn't even get into pickup just for sex. Hell, I was just 14 years old at the time. All I wanted was an escape from loneliness.

There's a lesson I've learned more than once: I enjoy sex a lot more if I wait a little while, and I enjoy it less if we have sex quickly and without a real connection. I now know why this is the case.

I'm freeing myself from the dehumanization of counting lays and viewing women as a means to achieve pleasure. Instead, I'll do what Zan Perrion does. Out of any pickup guru the Seduction Community has to offer, he is the one that you can truly call a "lover," at least from what I've learned from him.

Women are beautiful and absolutely wonderful; I really appreciate everything they offer in my life and I am not going to let myself treat them as anything less than human. So, I will no longer seduce them just for the sake of the seduction. I won't go for a lay for the sake of the lay. I'll just seduce them if I really like them.

I guess that means I'm at where I wanted to be all along with all this pickup stuff. Awesome.

-Chief

I'm Single Again!

I just got out of the best relationship ever. It lasted a year and she was an amazing girlfriend, though I wasn't exactly the best boyfriend. Our relationship ran its course, as all things do, and I will always remember it as a great experience with treasured memories.

So... I'm back in the game, guys and girls. Watch out, because I did NOT get rusty. ;)

Managing Expectations for FWB Relationship

Managing Expectations: The process of making sure that the girl you are seducing doesn't expect more than you're willing to offer. For example, making sure that a girl doesn't expect marriage when all you're looking for is a one night stand.

FWB: Friend With Benefits.

The first layer of my process of managing expectations is something I've already posted in my Outer Game thread here: http://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/chiefs-guide-to-outer-game-vt75887.html

" As a practitioner of the pickup arts you have an obligation to try your best to adhere to the rule of "Leave her better than you found her." Different people have different interpretations of this phrase, but regardless of how you see it, you need to manage expectations properly in order stay consistent with that rule.

Another big reason to manage expectations properly is to quickly cut through bullshit that wastes your time and to prevent drama. So it's really better for everyone. Don't be afraid of losing a girl if she's strictly looking for a relationship while you're just looking to get laid with no strings attached. There are plenty of beautiful women who will fuck just for a good fuck, and they won't try to attach all those strings to you if you don't want them.

So, how do we manage expectations properly? It's simple, really:

Tell her what you're looking for, or tell her what you're not looking for.

For example, if you're not looking for a relationship, one "I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want to have fun for now!" will suffice. If you actually are in this for a girlfriend, one "I'm looking to meet the right girl" will do just fine. Squeeze one of those types of lines into your conversation somewhere that's contextually relevant.

Sure, if you happen to have a random drunk hookup with a girl from the bar or club, most of the time it will be understood by both parties that it was just a drunk hookup and nothing more. Still, though, always manage expectations as a rule of thumb. Make your intentions clear as soon as you feel that spark of electric sexual tension in the air between you and her.

Being honest will never compromise your seduction as long as you remain consistently honest. Besides, this model of seduction isn't based on "value" like some other methods, so you have no reason to be dishonest in the first place when you're using this stuff.

Oh, and if you're still unsure about what you're looking for (girlfriend, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, one night stands, multiple wives, dominatrix mistress, etc.), figure it out first. How are you supposed to be upfront with your intentions if you don't know what the hell your intentions are in the first place? Don't be a blind guy flailing around in the dark. Man up and shoot straight. "

...but that's not the end of it. There are more layers to it, and it involves some heavy frame control. I didn't post this process in full detail in my Outer Game thread because this is specifically tailored to establish a "friends with benefits" relationship while my Outer Game thread is for general purposes. So, if you want FWBs, read on.

First off, what's the difference between a Friend With Benefits and a Fuck Buddy? There's a fine line between FWB and FB, but in my opinion they are different. A Fuck Buddy type of relationship is primarily built on no-strings-attached sex with little or no regard to building a genuine human-to-human connection, but a FWB is someone you actually care about as a friend. You see her as a friend first and a sex partner second. You share a limited amount of emotional connection and intimacy as any two good friends would. If you stop having sex (benefits) with her, you're still friends. Sound good? Having both your need for affection and your need for sex fulfilled without commitment is pretty excellent. Sure, it's not as deep and meaningful as an exclusive LTR but you get the chance to fill your life with female friends who fuck you. More abundance leads to a better position in life and a greater immunity to oneitis. So, without further ado, the following is my multi-layered method of managing expectations to make a wonderful FWB relationship with the girls you seduce.

Layer 1: Verbal statement

See above quote.

Layer 2: Establishing the roles

While the first layer of my expectations management involved an explicit verbal statement at the first sign of some strong sexual tension, the second layer is all about the roles you play and frame control after you have sex. The frame you establish will assign the roles that the two of you will play within the interaction(s) you share.

If you establish a frame of exclusive lovers, the two of you will play the boyfriend/girlfriend roles. In plain English, if you behave like a boyfriend, she's going to start seeing you as a boyfriend. If you treat her like your girlfriend, she's going to start seeing herself as your girlfriend. This is, unfortunately for you, a pretty standard frame that you're going to fall into if you don't do something about it. Being affectionate like an exclusive lover comes pretty naturally, and that might send her the wrong message.

You're going to operate from a drastically different frame and play different roles here. Using frame control, you're essentially going to put a cap on how much "attraction" she feels for you so that things don't go in the LTR direction. How would we pull that off? It's quite simple, really. Trigger her maternity instincts.

A competent man makes the perfect husband. You don't want an LTR, so don't play the role of a competent man. Triggering her maternity instincts is as simple as controlling the frame by playing the role of an incompetent boy. Let her take care of you by getting her to help you with menial shit like laundry, ironing, cooking, cleaning, money matters, and other daily chores. Have her take care of you if you get sick and show her how weak and pathetic you can be. Rely on her like a mommy. Do you have a good friend that you ask for advice and help on simple matters like this? Treat her like that friend.

No girl wants to be in a relationship with a guy who can't even take care of himself, but they love taking care of kids. Triggering her maternity instincts kills any chances for romantic love to blossom. Romantic love bad. Friends who care about each other good.

On top of establishing a frame that triggers her maternity instincts, you'll want to keep a safe emotional distance from her so that things don't get too intimate. Don't get too personal about discussing your/her feelings and shit. Keep the friendship as casual and cool as possible without devolving it to "acquaintances." Cuddling is fine, but don't overdo it. Be nice to her; don't forget that she's your friend.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Layer 3: Solidifying the frame

This layer goes back to the mid-game, but also plays into the post-game like the previous layer. You will want to reinforce the we-are-friends-who-just-happen-to-have-sex-from-time-to-time-with-no-strings-attached frame with implicit verbal expressions.

At some point in your mid-game, you may find an opportunity or two to express your views on relationships and etc. If you don't find one, make one. When my friend taught me how to play pool, he told me "there's always a shot," meaning that there is always a way to sink one of your balls into a pocket on any given turn. This is true for shit in pickup as well. There is always an opportunity for talking about sex and relationships, escalation, kino, framing, or even the right neg if need be. Seduction is a blank canvas and you are the painter.

When expressing your views, be sure to mention the right views that will further manage her expectations. I might say something like, "Yeah, I think everyone in the world just needs to have way more sex with more people without worrying so much about exclusive relationships all the time." That, of course, is an extreme example, though. Calibrate according to your situation.

"Don't you hate it when a guy you only met recently becomes so attached and obsessed with you just because you fucked him or even just gave him a smile? It's like he desperately wants to be your boyfriend. I don't do relationships because that kinda shit just creeps me out." You get the idea. Use your imagination.

After sex, I like to give hints that she should have an active sex life outside of our own fun encounters. I do this because: 1. Actually having sex with people other than me will dramatically decrease her chances of wanting to be exclusive with me and 2. It reinforces the message that you don't want to be exclusive with her. "So, you meet any cute guys when you went out last night?" I might ask something like this in a way a curious gossipy friend might ask.

Where to go from here

All in all, a FWB situation is pretty baller. Of course, as a rule of thumb you should aim to have more than just one FWB in your rotation. Furthermore, it's easy to ease out of a good FWB relationship back into a "just friends" sort of situation if you don't want to fuck her anymore. All you have to do is play up Layer 2, not have sex with her, and still be there for her as a friend. The FWB status is also good because you can easily get into an exclusive relationship with one of your girls if you find yourself falling for her or whatnot. All you have to do is frame control to switch roles from incompetent boy to romantic lover. And, you'll know your feelings for her are genuine and not based on oneitis because you have other girls in your rotation. This shit is so full of win it's not even funny.

As a final piece of awesomeness, I shall leave you with this: http://smokingkillsme.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/34j3rzm.jpg

Comfort Manipulation (Online, Text, and Phone Game)

Think you got the perfect text game? Phone game? ONLINE GAME?

Think again.

Every interaction you have with a woman is going to further establish a comfort zone for both you and her - especially her - within the frame of the interaction you make. The more you interact with her through a certain medium of communication, the more she'll be accustomed to interacting with you through that very medium. On top of that, she's going to feel less inclined to interact with you in any other way.

Now, what does this mean in plain English? It means if you keep talking to her through the internet, text, or phone call, she will NOT want to meet you face to face. The more you do it, the less she'll want to meet you.

I know you're scared. We're all scared of something. I know that you're scared of actually putting yourself out there and risking some real face to face rejection. If you get ignored online, you can take it and it's no big deal. Well, you're being a fucking pussy and you won't get anywhere with that kind of scared attitude. You signed up to play this game and you should have known that this shit was for big boys. SBAP

Since the name of the game is seduction, interacting with women face to face is ideal because you can't fuck an online username or a phone number. You don't want to go and make her too comfortable with talking to you through just text. Manipulating this "text comfort" to your advantage is quite simple. All you have to do is limit the text-based communication between you and her as much as possible. Use it only for logistical purposes like arranging a face to face meetup. Don't bother trying to create attraction or whatnot through a text or phone call because there's actually more opportunities to fuck things up when the interaction isn't face to face. She can take a "hello" over text message in a million different ways and you aren't there to control the frame with body language, facial expressions, state transfer, etc. All other variables excluded, the chance that she'll read your message in a bad way is just as high as the chance she'll read it in the way you want her to.

You want her to feel the most comfortable interacting with you face to face. Open up and let her feel good when you're face to face and make texts and online chats feel somewhat like a freeze-out. Phone calls are a gray area since voice tone comes into play, but play it safe and play the game when you can actually see and touch each other.

Attraction is BULLSHIT

She and I take taxis to bounce to different bars until we find one that's actually open. It's fucking late. During our taxi adventure and our time at this late-night bar, I run all of my best material... but kino escalation is slow and dragging. I eventually end up sitting with my arm around her at the bar, talking to her with our faces very close. By this time I had already done some NLP, I elicited her values, bullshitted some playful palm reading, wrote and drew all over her hands, anchored her core values to me, demonstrated plenty of value, cold read like it was going out of style, exposed vulnerabilities, elicited her vulnerabilities, push-pulled, etc... but apparently NOTHING WAS FUCKING WORKING. I email-closed and number-closed her, but is that really game? Not at this point.

In our rapport building I learned that she broke up with her ex-boyfriend two months ago and she was still hung up about it. She still had a picture of him and her for her cell-phone wallpaper. Sure, I inspired her to change the picture with my routines that have to do with living in the moment, but I still could not kiss-close. I persisted and did the whole 1-step-back then 2-steps-forward thing, but I still could not kiss-close. Nothing was working. I might as well have been talking to a plant.

This is from a Field Report I wrote in 2008 titled "FR: I might as well have been talking to a plant"

This FR was essentially the spark that started the forest fire; it was the beginning of my realization of something BIG.

I didn't immediately realize it at the time, but after that night the thoughts just sat there growing and growing at the back of my mind. At the time of writing of that FR, I had already spent nearly 5 years studying everything that the mainstream PUA community had to offer: Mystery, Style, Ross Jeffries, David Deangelo, Mehow, Hypnotica, Steve P, Carlos Xuma, Gambler, and many, many more. I can't tell you how, but I got my hands on all of the best material from all those gurus.

When it came to attraction, I knew how to do it all. I could tell custom DHV stories, I could microcalibrate to preserve high value, I could cold read like a pro, I could elicit values, I could anchor positive feelings, I could AMOG, I could be C&F, I could push/pull, I could expose vulnerabilities to establish deeper trust while still preserving value... I had a full deck of cards up my sleeve, figuratively speaking. Figuratively? Fuck, I even learned how to read Tarot cards! Needless to say, I could play the game and I could do it damn well... or so I thought.

It took my dumb ass a long time to notice a pattern from all the experiences I've had with women. Things finally clicked when I shifted my focus from the"attraction = value" school of thought to the "attraction = sexual tension/arousal" school of thought.

What did I realize about all those attraction techniques like DHVing and cold reading that I listed above? Well, I realized that...

NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERED. THEY HAD LITTLE OR NOTHING TO DO WITH THE REASON WHY THOSE WOMEN HAD SEX WITH ME.

I also realized that the things that actually mattered, or the things that actually had any sort of direct relevance to seduction, were very few in number. None of that shit taught by mainstream pickup about attraction actually mattered - they're just there to distract us from simplicity.

Those mainstream techniques tend NOT to address creating sexual tension. Unfortunately, what PUAs should be focusing on is the very sexual tension that DHVs don't address. We're seduced into believing that these attraction techniques will create this "attraction" thing we can barely define, and in the end that attraction is supposed to generate sexual tension on its own somehow, right? Come on! What the fuck! This sounds more like religion than science to me.

What's even worse is that you had the mainstreams teachers telling you that you needed to have mastered their entire system to be a PUA (they called this "solid game"), and to just ignore the one night stands you get when you didn't run your entire routine stack because they are "fool's mate." Please don't tell me how you can't see how ridiculous that is.

Fortunately for me, I eventually found "gurus" that taught the shit that actually had anything to do with actually getting laid. I've heard them referred to as "the sexual tension guys" by some community members. Unfortunately for the community, though, these sexual tension guys - like Gunwitch and 60 Years of Challenge - are NOT mainstream. In fact, those two names are probably THE most mainstream of the sexual tension guys. Ever heard of Aaron Sleazy? No? Yeah, I know. Hey, it's not your fault that these guys never had their own reality show. Fuck you, VH1.

The good news is that even some of the mainstream guys are starting to wise up. Gambler teaches a lot of sexual tension stuff now, and even the MM and MM-related companies are starting to upgrade their shit thanks to the threat of losing business. Those MM guys will probably never admit that most of their material is bullshit, though, and the bullshit will still always be there in the mainstream to distract you from simplicity.

If you ever find yourself getting nowhere with a girl after running routine after routine, technique after technique, that's when you might start to see what I've seen. There's a reason why I barely ever use the word "attraction" anymore. On the other hand, if you have consistently gotten great results from using that shit, awesome. However, consider the possibility that you're getting laid not because of the attraction techniques, but because you're creating sexual tension someway, somehow. Then, get rid of everything that has nothing to do with creating that sexual tension and start focusing on the shit that directly addresses sexual tension and escalation; you'll get the same fucking results - perhaps even better results - and you'll save a shit ton of time and effort.

That FR I wrote in 2008 was the beginning of my awakening, like starting to wake up under that half-sleep-half-conscious state. The final slap in the face that got me fully alert was probably 60 Years of Challenge. Yeah, I know this damn thing sounds like a fucking advertisement now but I'm not trying to make it like that. Sorry if I did.

-Chief

PS Check out my previous blog post if you're curious about that 60 Years of Challenge guy.

60 Years of Challenge

I've been barking through the grapevine lately about how I think 60 Years of Challenge's stuff is the best I've seen since I've been in the PUA/Seduction Community since 2003. A lot of newbies ask, "Who is the best guru?" I tell them, "60 Years of Challenge." They then ask me, "Who wrote that?" I tell them, "No, dude, that's his name. Yeah, it's weird. Don't ask me why he named himself that because I have no idea."

Back in February of 2010, I wrote a review on Vin DiCarlo's ebook "The Attraction Code" and how I thought it was the best ebook on pickup I've ever read. I would say 60's "Complete Game System" pretty much tops that. It's a whole new level.

60 actually gives something new to the community instead of rehashing old ideas from Mystery and David Deangelo like everybody else. His method can be compared with Gunwitch Method, but to me it feels like an upgraded and simpler version. There are many aspects to the method, but they are all incredibly easy to apply and the entire thing can be summed up in one phrase: less is more.

Check out this awesome article that he wrote for a taste: Anti-Manifesto

The Anti-Manifesto will show you just how easy it is for anyone to control sexual tension.

Of course, I applied 60's method for myself. Check out the Lay Report I wrote: LR: I don't like bad boys

It was one of the, if not the, easiest lay I've ever gotten using anything I've learned from the community.

60's material is definitely a major milestone in the pickup community. It's one of those "must reads" you can't miss. And, to be honest, you really won't need to read anything else. Except my blog, of course. ;)

Check out 60 Years of Challenge by clicking here.

-Chief